Not My Emotion to Create.

As I think of the day, March 31, 2010 I envision three things.

• My Cousin's Birthday
• My godson's Birthday
• A Friend's termination of a pregnancy.

Two smiles and one expressionless face. How do I feel? What do I tell her to feel? Telling her it's not my emotion to create, is not good enough. She wants more.

How do I tell her, that if I was in her shoes I would not; if I've never been in her shoes? Children already, not content in life, how do I say add to that load. To that self created burden, that joy of life.

Mutterings in Secret

Sometimes simply "making it" through each day causes
us to forget, that we made it through the day.


I try, I won't say I always do, but I try
to wake up in the morning
and at least say "thank you God."
Also, before I go to sleep at night
I try to do the same. I even went as far
as taping my mustard seed charm above
my mirror in my bedroom.

Yes a prayer too,
would also be nice; but if I can simply mutter
those words, "Thank You God!"

I believe I am getting closer
to my prayer.

Cooking Again (mmmhhhhhhhh)

With work, school, and "me time," I haven't been in the kitchen that often. Nonetheless, this night, I was reintroduce to my first love. I remember what it is to cook, eat, and know without a doubt that everything was prepared with care.



I remember leftovers; I've missed leftovers. I have leftovers a.k.a. lunch for tomorrow.



I've missed the apartment filled aroma, of baked chicken, sauteed veggies, and brown rice.



When we count the hours of the day, we sometimes forget the small things that matter the most. I was granted peace within self, in a piping hot kitchen.

Cheating Men (and Women)

A friend of mine posted this comment on facebook

"Fellaz these ladies say that "oh all MEN are the same" so when we get caught cheating why do they leave us for another Guy that's just gonna cheat on them? I thought all men are the same ladies? Smh I just don't get it. One of y'all explain this to me."

These are just a few of my responses... I will fill in if necessary.

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You have to first understand that you put the entire female "race" in one category. That's mistake 1. Could it be that "these ladies" are only the ones you have come across? Women don't leave with the the thought that we will be cheated on again, but we leave because we are walking into an understanding of our worth and have faith that God has one who can also comprehend. Ya dig?

A better question is why don't the men who like to cheat, just leave... what are you holding on to? And for what if you can't even keep ya lil man in ya pants.

Yeah... ppl try to walk a thin line in defining cheating, but for me it comes down to would I want it done to me. but then ppl put out what they can't swallow. Let women start doing half of what these cats do and whisper I love you. Men would break down.

funny thing is some woman do worse then men do... married one i should know about... creepin like sneaky cats in the backseats of small coupes trucks motels etc.... that's y i act the way i act... i been seeing this for years...all the same shit...lol

Not worse lol... remember, we are a reflection of man... you just haven't heard the story yet...

the story I was referring to, was that of experience (someone else's) ones we haven't heard, and may never... not of creation... Although Eve (woman) was created as a help mate, ppl tend to mirror actions, not saying it is right, so reflections of self we create...

I can't ask you to be faithful if I can't...

How Long?

Although at times I feel like I want it-- how long does it take for the interaction with an "ex" to cease.

I know the love will never end, and the wanderings of what was, and what could be will always remain. But do I have to first love another before I am truly able to move on?

What if I don't want to love another, I just want to be able to say, WHATEVER! It is what it is. We tried, it didn't work, oh well.

Is anything this easy?

I also would never want to see him with anyone else. We both invested in each other, and I don't want anyone else beyond me, to collect the interest or dividends.

He is mine, even when I don't want him to be. I am his, even when I am too naive to see.

I love him. Still.


I can't say goodbye, so how could I desire him to?

Am I Really Single? (Editorial Style Edition)

Working through a writing assignment for class (1st Draft)

Smiling; half way caught up in the music, and trying to play the nonchalant role, I spot him. The man that I have been seeing casually for about three months now; we acknowledge each other through smiles and other pleasantries. We both, do our own “thing” and fall back into the lounge atmosphere. That is until, while engaging in some meaningless male conversation with another, my hair is grabbed, tongue forced down my throat, and I, I returned the gesture.

Although taken aback I was mired in the open display of affection; but as soon as he let my hair go, and released my lips. I looked around with wonder— who saw us? Were there any potential mates or dates watching? What signs have I given him within the past three months that he would think, simply think, that it was cool to walk up, grab my hair, and kiss me?

So I had to wonder, am I truly single? And if so, why is he out at this lounge “blocking?” Were the rules of the dating game, not cut and dry? Of course, I found out that these rules we try to create are not cut and dry by any means. There is no form of the human relationship that will allow detachment of feelings and emotions, simply because you are in a crowded environment. Nonetheless, I believe it is paramount when dating, to discuss expectations— then there is a better chance to avoid moments such as these.

Lust

I lust.

Even when

I do not know.

I lust.

I find myself with an urge...

a sensational itch on the bottom of my foot

a tickle on the inside of my thigh

kisses on my knee

I lust

for life.

Keeping a Clean House (Or in this case office)

Being clutter free in life is truly beneficial.

Looking around my home office and trying to concentrate enough to write anything has proven to be quite hard. So an alternative to writing anything is to write about my confined space. Already starting with a small space, then adding clutter, and other stuff has left me surrounded. With papers, bills, To Do List that obliviously haven't been completed and the wonder. Wondering where this paper is, where that confirmation number went, but most importantly, this messy office has taken my peace. Some work well in an office that is not "clean" and organized, some need the clear desk or table-- for me, I believe I can work in either condition. Nonetheless, I see myself working more efficient in a clean office, or at least having a clean desk!

So write to you later world! I have to go clean ; )

Natural Hair!

Place: New Jersey- In my father's kitchen.
Year: 2002
Month: May


I sat in this high chair that allowed my feet to swing, and I think, I may have been smiling. It had been years now since I said I was going natural; I was finally going to grow my locks. Tired of twisting my mothers and (especially) my father's hair and watching it get longer and longer, and I was still "permed out." I had to do something; so I sat and waited. I had just told my father to take it off! Yes, I said it cut my hair off! Of course my father resisted at first, he wasn't going to cut his baby girl's hair-- but he did. Still smiling, I watched the hair drop from my head, to the floor.

My first step, and I wouldn't take it back for the world!

I love my hair!!

Wanting vs. Needing vs. Receiving

I always knew what I wanted in a man.... Okay, scratch that. I always thought I knew what I wanted in a man. But more and more lately, I am finding myself entertaining the words of men of whom aren't in my highly qualified category. Now, don't read too deep into that statement, because to become highly qualified doesn't take a lot. I don't ask for much.

Let's list it:

1. God Fearing (Self Explanatory- I think)
2. Educated (Either formal or street, it doesn't matter- Just can't have a "dummy" on my hands.
3. Common sense (Even with education, street or formal you need this)
4. Go Getter aka Ambitious (Can't wait until someone brings you food, gotta go get it.)
5. No children- (Preferably) I don't have any, so ummmmm.... yeah
6. Compliments me, and vice versa.
7. Respectful - No double standards
8. Cleanliness
9. Height Requirement (You need to be ___ this tall to ride this ride) ; )

(I may add more later)

But with what is there- I still don't think I'm asking for a lot. So why can't I get it? It's not that I'm not flexible, I'll accept a gentleman that may be missing a quality or two, but not a lot.... So where is he? Am I no longer able to distinguish between, want, need and what I'll actually receive?

Abstinence

Is it over rated? Or is sex over rated?



Counting (A poem, or something)


I told him

I am practicing

abstinence

He asked

for how long,

I responded

two hours

and

37 seconds

He smiled

and I smiled

too.

"If I Can't Be Used, I'm Useless"

A friend of mine was remembering a radio show with Fabulous the rapper completing an interview. She tried to reduce his 7 to 8 million earning potential for a movie, to nothing. She stated that's not a lot of money. (Bet she'd jump for it though)

Fabulous' response was "If I can't be used, then I am useless." And I'm pretty sure this response shut her down. What could she say?

So think on this, what if it was all done in vain.
The career latter, the schooling, the movement (down to the basics), the dreams, the nightmares...

What if your daily routine didn't add to who you are or what your potential could be.

Being used does not always have to be seen as negative.
Think of the phrase Let the Lord use you. It's not negative, but it's a realization that you have a gift that should be utilized, and in Fabulous instance he's making money off of it. Quite like work, although we too are getting paid, we are being used, but being paid for that use.

So keep in mind, if you can't be used, you are worthless, to yourself and those around you.

*That seemed a little harsh...but truth is truth right ; ) Smile, and let the world use you!

The Cost of Care

I find myself listening to children more as I get older. Wishing I could create that peace again. That contentment with everything. Not being tainted by the world.

I want to forgive, without knowing what happened.
I want to care enough to ask the young boy what he needed money for.

Instead of walking away, holding eight quarters to feed the meter, instead of him.

Baltimore

It took me quite some time to come to terms and peace with my remaining time pursuing my MFA. I was smoking more, to calm my nerves. Venting to all who would listen. Glasses of wine were frequent.

I regretted my decision to move to Baltimore, to go to school in Baltimore, and most importantly the choice of UB. But with three classes left before graduation (5 including the 2 I'm currently taking) what do I do? Bitch and complain, or suck it up and write letters?

Well, I did both, and am still in the process of writing letters, or was that bitching?

Either way, I have found a happy disconnect. Working, schooling and living in Baltimore; I'm not angry anymore.

Disappointed yes. As I look back I remember conversation after conversation before I even relocated to Baltimore; the goal was early graduation. I was told it was feasible; but, somehow down the line the vision was blurred. With my vision still intact I fought, through words.

Words were lost and denied. Although my request was not granted, I find back scratching satisfaction when people (with whom I had to come in contact with regarding this situation) cannot look in my eye.

Hmmm... When you're right, you know you're right. And when you are wrong... You know that too...

He Loves Me, Like Monk Loves Trudy!

So where is my ring at?



Not mine personally, but I hear a lot of women asking this question. Where is my ring? We even have Beyonce singing about it "if you like it, then you should have put a ring on it." But the problem is the men are simply liking it. Why put a ring on something you like, instead of waiting for something you love. Or from a more "ol' skool" generation, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Are women "enjoying" life until they realize all those free "hits" were simply enjoyment? And it leaves us catering to an itch that we cannot meet.



When I say yes, I want it to be a man that loves me, like Monk loves Trudy! After eight years, (or at least 8 seasons) Monk's relentless love for his murdered wife does not waiver. Although Trudy's murder is unsolved, he still wears his wedding ring, keeps her pictures up and even dreams about her.

(Yeah off my Monk now, back to the ring)

So until that man can love me as Monk loves Trudy, I'm good, I can wait.

I don't need the ring.